It Will Take A While

When I’m like this it’s funny how i can be so scared but like the feeling
When I’m like this I am scared of the fast pace of my heart

But I like being able to feel the pace because I can feel that it is still beating!

When I’m like this I am scared of what I know is coming, however I welcome it at the same time because I know what comes with it is a release!

When I’m like this I don’t like it, however I know that it is my body clearing the blockage!

When I’m like this I normally count, forwards and backwards to disconnect my power from it, however today I’m not counting, I am not seeking the disconnect, I am holding on to the dizziness and I am rebelling against the/any/my weakness!

Its funny that today is the 1st time that I have noticed that when I am like this I don’t think!

It’s funny that when I am like this I don’t think, yet when I am like this it is because I have been overthinking!

Overthinking and over feeling and over controlling, yet when I am like this I am generally not in control!

Anxiety is an outward display of the contradictions within!

It’s funny how when I am like this I am numb, yet I can feel every feeling, I can hear every sound and despite how slow it all seems, I can see everything in high definition like clarity!

Some times Anxiety is an expression, a response to the entrenched and undeserved sadness and the unrequited love that the Love seeks!

Sometimes Anxiety just is.

It’s funny how despite the internal chaos that the feelings bring, the surrender to it brings with it feelings of peace!

Anxiety is like a looking glass facing in!

© KLove 2017

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See me.

Look into my eyes
In there you will see all of me
For they are my internal window

Look into my eyes and reflecting back at you will be me
They will tell you everything that you seek to know
They will magnify everything that you seek to see
Everything that is me will be glaring back at you.
You will learn me.

Look into my eyes and hear the sounds that are me. Listen to the Love and emotion coursing through me. You will hear the sound of my heart beating. You will hear the high notes of their sparkle mashed up with the bass of the dark lingering in their backs.

Look into my eyes and you will see my history,the trials, the tribulations, the triumphs, my joy and my pain. You will see my truth, my heart, too big for my sleeve.

Look into my eyes, with Love and not manipulation, because that is where you will find me!

Look into my eyes and become one with me.

© KLove 2013

I Still Love Him

He text
I have read it a thousand times now.
I have consumed it, rehearsed it, I have attached to it.

It has taken him 5 months!

To reply, to contact, to be, to manifest. Again.

I should be angry

I should have given up. On him.

He should, be a stranger to me.

I should have rebuked him.

I haven’t.

He text
have read it a thousand times now.
I have consumed it, rehearsed it, I have attached to it.

One paragraph

No punctuation

No lines, yet I read between each!

I analysed, I memorised, I conjured up a story

Now hope is alive…..again

The Love never died.

“I am who you really think I am”

He says.

That is the line,

The one that confuses. The one that repeats.

Who is that?

I don’t know, I don’t think, that’s just the problem, you are an enigma to me.

Sometimes jeckel, sometimes Hyde, always confusion!

Yet you are, Love. To me.

He text
have read it a thousand times now.
I have consumed it, rehearsed it, I have attached to it.

I had so much to say.

He has been so much hurt, so much pain,

He has been MIA for more time than I have to waste.

I should have cussed him out!

He has been SO much hurt, so much pain,

I should have cussed him out!

I didn’t.

Instead my Heart gave out!

It jumped, skipped, danced, fluttered, and then it stopped beating. I couldn’t breathe.

He text
have read it a thousand times now.
I have consumed it, rehearsed it, I have attached to it.

I replied.

I thought I would regret it, the minute I pressed send.

I didn’t.

I waited.

I hoped.

I realised that my heart had started beating again, so fast, sprinting. I couldn’t keep up, in breath. nauseous!

The other me appeared from nowhere.

Screaming

Hand on hip

Neck swirling,

” you need to cuss him out! What’s this Houdini s….t about! Do you know who I am! I am more than you will ever be worthy, of Love, Light, Black Beauty, what makes you think you can just flash back, this is not a game, it is not a show, there is no audience other than me, I find you far from funny”

She was too late.

He text
have read it a thousand times now.
I have consumed it, rehearsed it, I have attached to it.

She would never have been on time!

I know I should have given up on him by now.

My heart refuses!

It has latched on. To him. Like no other. Like an angry dog to its prey! Clenched jaw. It will not let go!

Loving him in spite of me.

Is he a Love Thief?

Or did I give it away willingly?

Is it because we never got to the good parts(or the bad), like Sunday dinners, saturday afternoons wrapped in physical displays of Love….

That I cannot let this Love go?

He just disappeared. Left with nothing to close!

I know that I need to let him go.

There are no buts!

Yet I have one.

I don’t want to!

Although I know I must.

He is stained on my heart.

Where is the Buddha in me?

I am supposed to be detached, on my own path, not obsessive in nature, mindful!

Yet No amount of OM’s can help me release. Him.

He makes me weak!

Am I failure?

For allowing him to fill my mind, my heart, my loins, for wanting him to fill me?

I jump from my own path, onto his, easily.

I feel guilty and disappointed in me.

Presently the only thing that I am detached from is the higher me!

Or is this just part of being WoME?

I would still give him another chance.

I wouldn’t think. I would leap. in.

Malice isn’t something that lives within me you see.

All though at times it pokes its tongue out at me. I hide from it, block my ears and heart so that it can not enter me.

Maybe scared of it setting me free.

He text
have read it a thousand times now.
I have consumed it, rehearsed it, I have attached to it.

I replied.

I wished him well.

I wrote words of Love. But I did it ambiguously.

I just couldn’t say any of what was so desperately wanting to spill out of me!

My heart is now at odds with me.

He text
have read it a thousand times now.
I have consumed it, rehearsed it, I have attached to it.

I still Love him.

I still Love him.

I still Love him.

I replied.

But then I pressed delete!

KLove
© KLove 2013

Mandatory Love?

Is it mandatory to Love someone or some people?

Because they are family.

Because they are life givers (parents is not the term that suits)

Even when you really do not like them.(although you have tried to)

When they, their behaviour, their being, is the cause of 99.9% of your issues and they 10000% need to look into themselves and resolve their own issues.

Is it mandatory to Love them?

Is it wrong that you feel most at peace when they are not a thought or a vision?

That the thought of speaking to them makes your air tight.

That you don’t want to visit them in hospital because their issues and one in particular is why they are there and you just can’t deal with it anymore, you can’t fight their demons, alongside your own.

Is it bad that you wish that you could emancipate yourself from them and their relations bar a few completely!

Is it fair that knowing all of this and feeling all of this, you will have to go, and you will have to deal, because they have that title and no matter how old you are it owns you!

Is it fair that because you know Love, you speak Love and you are Love, you feel oppressed by your inability to love them!

What is the answer?

They won’t change.

The history cannot not be erased.

The feelings cannot be unfelt.

The emotions cannot be detached.

You have changed! Yet in this respect you feel exactly the same.

There is nothing more that you can do or say, so shouldn’t you just save yourself? From them.

What is the answer?
© KLove 2013

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Self Love 1

Do you struggle with this?

Admittedly (but unashamedly) I do.

Not in terms of who I am, what I am about, what I represent. No. Because I am and will always be a manifestation Love.

I’m referring to the outer stuff, like size, physic, appearance, your quirks, ugly duckling syndrome as I call it.

Now we all have baggage and I truly believe that when you have the right people around you, you will know, because they will be about helping you unpack! The right man won’t use your baggage against you, he will offer to help you unpack and he will know that he has plenty of his own and ask for your help with his.

There are days when I look in the mirror and think to myself (my naked self) wow! You are flaming sexy. I am totally feeling myself. I can strut around in my knickers, heels and jewellery and feel like I am the sexiest girl in the world! Lol ( I will come back to this. You really need to try it. It’s liberating!)

But there are other days, and these days are unfortunately more frequent, where I don’t like what I see and I struggle with:

Is it because I am too thin
Is it because I don’t wear make up
Is it because I wrap my natural hair
Is it because I don’t wear a weave
Is it because my bum isn’t big (although I maintain that it’s sexy)

That I am single and ( in a male reciprocated way ) loveless.

You often hear people say that in order to attain love from others you have to love yourself 1st.

I agree and disagree with this.

Yes. One should always love themselves. There is something wonderful and beautiful in all of us. As you do need to know what these things are. You have to know how to project them. You have to own them!

However, I think it is normal to waiver and to experience thoughts such as those that I have mentioned above. It doesn’t mean that you are any less worthy of love or that you shouldn’t pursue or be open to it because in my view, love is the ultimate energy, the super energy, and as such being in receipt of it heals many wounds and changes thought processes. Being in receipt of love can and often does make you feel better inside.

There are many avenues of self love to explore and discuss. And I hope to discuss a few more over time. This aspect of it is just what was on my mind today. I suppose because the ugly duckling face is the one that I have been seeing the most of late.

I wont change though. Tomorrow I will still leave this house with my head wrapped and my face will still be make up free because that is me! That is how I feel comfortable. Whoever loves me will have to accept that this is how I choose to be.

Always Love and Light

KLove.

© KLove 2013

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