IN-Ventory


I have to keep checking in on myself
I am having to repeatedly ask myself If I am ok.

To check that I am keeping it together….

Because currently, presently, in this climate, in these last few months of 9 months of continuous fuckry and fuckers….

It would be all to easy to unravel!

And that’s OK!

To know it, to feel it, to speak it and on it is OK!

I am not here to pretend.

I am in no competition with anyone named Jones!

I am not here to keep up with any falsification or idealism!

I am not here in this space, on this forum, in this time to play games!

I will neither hide nor seek!

I will be

I can only be and speak the truth in and for Me!

Which I have learnt is the same as for us!

I am here to speak and talk on what most wont!

When there is sun and happiness I revel in and under and I spread it like young love on heat!!

So in the same way when there is nonsense and bullshit and anxt, I call it, I speak on it, I engage with and confront because if I don’t…… 

If I don’t I dishonour my Unique!

I have said it before, I will say it again and I will continue to say that positivity is not constant sunshine, smiles and fun!

Positivity is the the decisions that you make, the approach that you take, how you handle and outwardly express and manage the alone, how you walk and find your way in and out of the dark, how you decipher your position when it seems to going terribly wrong!

Positivity is your ability to hold others up when strong is something that has felt void in you for so very long!

© KLove 21/02/17 
All Rights Reserved

#writer #femalenonpoet #biographicwritting #poetry #selflove #selfhealing #artist #feminism #blacklove #mindfulness #mindfulliving #instagood #youngwomen #buildingwomen#buildingus#lovingmentoo #femaleunity #youareok

#investinself#selfloveworkshops #kloveismbrand #kloveismsupport

#klovesyou

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It Was White

Testing
Testing
Pen check 123
Can you hear me!
It has been so long
Too long, so long, since I have exercised/fed this need.
I wasn’t sure that I would remember/be able to do it!
To write this down, to write it down, to write at all!
Its been so long
I’ve has so much to say, I just didnt know how to remember to say it this way!
The tears are are flowing now, more than the words or maybe against them, like a pacemaker- making sure that i dont quit!
The tears are flowing, one large, hot and heavy drop at a time.
People are looking
I dont care
Isn’t the saying Tea and Sympathy?
Well as this is Starbucks my tears should be welcome here!
I am going to get this out or at least try because I dont know if or when i will be back here again.
These blank pages have never looked or smelt so good!
They have never looked as much as like home as they do today!
They have never resembled the friend that I really need as much as today!
The last thing that I wanted was to open this book and still have his words in my mouth and in my heart!
But they are🙍🏽
(I’m sorry
I feel like I have let you/us down!
I’m so tired
literally but also of all of this here and now!
I can close my eyes and hear the pills and potions feeling again.
or should I say that I have been feeling it for a while, again-( deaths, pending deaths, change but nothing changing, the walls, the doors, the silence, the repetition, the loneliness, the rejection, the embarrsament, the passive anger, the fake smiles, the sleepness nights, the just geting through the days- I have been hearing the feeling again for a while now)
I cant talk to anyone else
silence at the mention of his name
My paranoia is peak
The level of awkwardness is peaking
I could say seeing him is the antagonist
But the reality is that I have seen him everyday in my thoughts and dreams!
So the Physical made little or no difference to the feelings.
It wasn’t the seeing!
He looked well and happy
He didn’t stop
He didn’t try to stop me
He looked on and then drove off!
He didn’t look back
He is/ was gone
That is what it is! what the feelings have attached to
He didn’t stop
He didn’t look back!!!
He is gone
I walked on
As though it was nothing
It was
It was a lot
It was everything!
It wasn’t discussed
Swept under, ignored as though it didn’t/doesn’t matter that he didn’t stop
That after everything and again, He is just gone!
And i’m no longer historically angry, i’m no longer attached to what he has done, what he did,because i can now feel and what i feel is devastated!
Exactly 6 months to the day and at after 7 nearly to the hour that I last saw him! Thats half a year!
Exactly 6 months and nearly to the hour. 28th March to 28th September at devastated PM!
He looked well and happy
I shouldn’t be so surprised
He ought to after all of those months of sucking on My Love- like a leech, sucking me dry!
He ought to look well
That’s what My Love does
It is magic
It Heals
I dont remember what he sounds like
His voice was always my favourite element of him. The part that always I feared losing most and as I am writing I cant hear it.
When did I stop hearing it?
When did I stop noticing that it was fading?
I can still recognise my Love though
And although just a few seconds, I could see that he is still donning it! He wears it well!
In his smile, in his happy looking wellness!
I should want it back, but I dont. He can keep it. He at least will still keep me in some way with him!
He is gone
Again
And this time it is for sure!
I looked back
They didn’t see, neither did He, because he didn’t look back, he was moving forward, onto/in the direction of the next thing!
This time he is gone, driving forward and around onto/in the direction of the next thing, (how fortunate for them!)
healed to an extent, but better after months spent wrapped up in my love, after months spent by me loving love into bruises and chaos and him!
He is finally gone, him and my friend!
He is gone
And my final memory is of the back of a car, driving forward into the distance and in the direction of the next thing!
He is gone.
© KLove 2017
All Rights Reserved

That Dream

That DreamThat dream was intense

My skin is clammy

That dream was immensely graphic 

I’m almost emabarrased to write it

Is it really possible to do that?

Can legs separate that far apart?

Can one a person climax so many more times than once

The thickness was so long

Is that possible?

The potential runs deep

Woke up feeling stretched out with absent heels on my feet!

Wrist feeling like memories of being held hostage!

The body feels tenderised!

That dream was a lot 

In that dream so were we!

© KLove 2017

All Rights Reserved

#writer #femalenonpoet #biographicwritting #poetry #selflove #selfhealing #artist #feminism #blacklove #mindfulness #buildingwomen#buildingus#lovingmentoo#kloveismbrand #kloveism#klovesU

It Will Take A While

When I’m like this it’s funny how i can be so scared but like the feeling
When I’m like this I am scared of the fast pace of my heart

But I like being able to feel the pace because I can feel that it is still beating!

When I’m like this I am scared of what I know is coming, however I welcome it at the same time because I know what comes with it is a release!

When I’m like this I don’t like it, however I know that it is my body clearing the blockage!

When I’m like this I normally count, forwards and backwards to disconnect my power from it, however today I’m not counting, I am not seeking the disconnect, I am holding on to the dizziness and I am rebelling against the/any/my weakness!

Its funny that today is the 1st time that I have noticed that when I am like this I don’t think!

It’s funny that when I am like this I don’t think, yet when I am like this it is because I have been overthinking!

Overthinking and over feeling and over controlling, yet when I am like this I am generally not in control!

Anxiety is an outward display of the contradictions within!

It’s funny how when I am like this I am numb, yet I can feel every feeling, I can hear every sound and despite how slow it all seems, I can see everything in high definition like clarity!

Some times Anxiety is an expression, a response to the entrenched and undeserved sadness and the unrequited love that the Love seeks!

Sometimes Anxiety just is.

It’s funny how despite the internal chaos that the feelings bring, the surrender to it brings with it feelings of peace!

Anxiety is like a looking glass facing in!

© KLove 2017

All Rights Reserved

#writer #femalenonpoet #biographicwritting #poetry #selflove #selfhealing #artist #feminism #blacklove #mindfulness #buildingwomen#buildingus#lovingmentoo#kloveismbrand #kloveism#klovesU

Mood Rings 5: Weakness

I still check my phone for you Every morning 

I check for that once in a while made me smile all day though good morning text

Every so often throughout the day for that random Hi K….a, made my entire day though message 

Every end of the work day, journey home, should be resting in the evening, and several times before sleeping and hoping that I won’t dream about you whilst wanting to because I can just about still remember your face and the bass in your voice and the dreams are now the only time that I see and hear you!

My heart is miserable 

My heart is missing you

My mind less so, it is as usual in conflict with my heart

My mind as usual is addressing the elephant in our room

My mind is asking what in the actual fuck is that you are missing?

My mind is stating that this romanticised version of you is entirely made up!

My mind is reminding my heart of all the times you gave -0 fucks, every time you said words that left it immobile, beatless!

My mind reminds the heart of all of the cold words, of all of the (intentional or not) mind fucks that left it defunct 

My mind is as usual pissed off that the heart will not (Wo)man the fuck up!

My mind reminds the heart that it warned it not fuck with you again because each and every time it has it has only gotten fucked! (and if not in the pleasurable way there isn’t really a benefit so what is the point)

My mind is annoyed because it knows that My heart isn’t listening- it never does when it comes to you!

My mind knows that it cannot compete with the Love that is being carried for you!

I still check my phone for you!

I still wait for it to communicate you with me!

My heart is miserable 

My heart is missing you

My mind is pissed

Both can not wait for you and this moment to become historic!
© KLove 2017

All Rights Reserved

#writer #femalenonpoet #biographicwritting #poetry #selflove #selfhealing #artist #feminism #blacklove #mindfulness #buildingwomen#buildingus#lovingmentoo#kloveismbrand #kloveism#klovesU

Mood Rings 5 (Like A Puzzle)

The Love wanted to be expressed and exercised in and as horizontal, diagonal, upright, ontop, it wanted to be bent over!

Was this missing part of the puzzle?

The Love wanted to be non emotional and detached whilst it stuck to you like warm honey on hot skin!

Was this the missing part of the puzzle?

The Love did not want to be soft or meek but wild and loud and aggressive when put into compromising positions!

Was this the missing part of the puzzle?

© KLove 2017

All Rights Reserved

#writer #femalenonpoet #biographicwritting #poetry #selflove #selfhealing #artist #feminism #blacklove #mindfulness #buildingwomen#buildingus#lovingmentoo#kloveismbrand #kloveism#klovesU

Mood Rings (3)- Flatline

I have stated taking picturesI have stared capturing memories 

For them
I have never liked taking pictures

But I have started taking pictures with all of them

Because I don’t know how much longer I have got

Because I don’t know how much longer I am giving myself

My head hurts constantly again

In that way that it once did 

I have stated taking pictures
I have stared capturing memories 

For them
© KLove 2017

All Rights Reserved

#writer #femalenonpoet #biographicwritting #poetry #selflove #selfhealing #artist #feminism #blacklove #mindfulness #buildingwomen#buildingus#lovingmentoo#kloveismbrand #kloveism#klovesU