Once it’s said it is done!   3rd times do not always bare charms!

When it feels like your world is literally crashing around you what do you do?
What do you do if ordinarily you are the Healer, the answer giver, the Empower, yet you are the person who is only this person because of moments just like these! 

What do you do when you have not had a moment like this, as severe and debilitating as this in years and so you don’t remember the destructiveness of it for you!

What do you do?

Who KLove’s you?

For the 1st time in years I don’t have the answers, I don’t have the words, I am even typing these few as nothing is or as been coming out of my pen!

For the 1st time in years I feel unable/ not equipped to process the feelings!

There is so much madness in my life, in my head and in my heart and for months now I have been trying to write it out! I have been trying to KLove myself!

Feelings of failure, hurt and betrayal!

The failure feelings are on me!

The hurt and betrayal is, well, it’s….

I asked you not to hurt me!

I told you all of me!

I shared and was vulnerable.

This time you knew all of me!

I asked you not to hurt me!

I trusted you!

I let my guard down and I trusted you with me!

I spoke words and emotions!, words and emotions that you sought from me!

You asked me to tell you!

You asked me to tell you and then you did all of this!

I tried to detach from you when I was still guarded, when it was easy for me to flee!

You sought me out each time.

You drew me back in each time with your beautiful words of lies!

You sat across from me, looked me in my eyes and told me that you had no intention to hurt me, you randomly told me that you loved me that other time, you told me that I was important, you told me that I was the best thing that had happened to you, you told me that you appreciated who I am to you and all that I have done!

I remember every word! 

I remember every conversation!

I remember every good and bad word, every good and bad conversation, they play over and over in my head like videos!

I asked you not to hurt me, I loved you more than enough for the both of us!

Yet here we are!

Here I am again!

I clearly dont learn!

Age has bought me 0 fucking wisdom!

Here I am again, because I am naive and trusting! Because I love!

Because I Love you!

Here I am consumed and tired by it all, not just you, but by it all, wishing things that I know to be scared of!

No one wants to feel trapped!

We all want to feel loved, we all want to feel needed, but no one wants to feel trapped or caged in!

Love should be Free!

So I loved you like this!

Despite in that last conversation you telling me to me more demanding!

Despite me knowing that you were probably thinking that i’m too soft or passive!

I loved you Freely

Not soft or passively, I loved you Freely because that is the only way that real love can exist!

Because no amount of love or demands or boxes could trap your spirit!

I loved you Freely and hoped that you would when you got there choose me!

It was always a risk!

I haven’t won!

And now I am empty!

And numb!

(But I would do it exactly the same if I had to do it again!)

No one likes to feel trapped!

You had to choose freely!

Sadly, you didn’t choose We!

I would have loved you more!

More than I still do!

I have loved you for years!

Sadly I can’t take the love back!

And now I’m empty!

I dont blame you!

I won’t blame you!

Had I kept my guard up, had I chosen me in the beginning we wouldn’t have done this again. You would have been unable to infiltrate me!

I ought to be used to heartbreak by now!

It has always been a constant in my life, alongside disappointment.

I shouldn’t expect any better!

I shouldn’t expect more!

You have caused me to cry so much!

You cause me to cry far too often!

I can’t do this mood switch, push/pull shit with you!

I’m just not built for it!

Your hugs are worth more than money, but my tears, so many of my tears, are far too expensive!

I’m sorry that I couldn’t Love you into loving me!

I’m sorry that I didn’t get to meet and love your babies. After all of this time they feel like part of me! 

There were so many things that I had planned, so many ways that I had planned to love you more! I have/had so much more love to give to you!

I would never have believed that too much love would be a bad thing.

In this case I think that was just it, you were not ready/capable of receiving a love like this and definitely not so much of it!

There were so many things that I had planned, so many ways that I had planned to love you more! I have/had so much more love to give to you!

I am sorry that I didn’t get to wash and rub Monoi oil into your hair whilst you sat in between my legs.

I’m sorry that I didn’t get to read to you whilst I sat in between your legs!

I’m sorry that we didn’t get to listen and dance and sing to music together.

I’m sorry that we didn’t get to burn sage and meditate together.

I’m sorry that I didn’t get to cook for you!

I’m sorry that we didn’t get to take road trips and plane trips or even bus trips together!

I am sorry that you didn’t get to sit in my garden.

I’m sorry

I’m so sorry that we didn’t get to be, live, feel, experience together!

I am sorry that we didn’t get to see us play out. That we didn’t get to see how far we could go together. I think that we deserved to see that.

I am sorry that I didn’t get to see you through to your better time! 

I would never have left you. I would have stood next to you, behind you and in front of you if you had asked! I would have supported you through all that you are going through without you having to ask!

I can’t be myself with you. You make me scared to be me!

There has been so much rejection that I have found it difficult to get past.

I cant be a yes person. I can’t sit and watch you continue to self destruct and say nothing. I can’t know all of what I now know and not ask questions or encourage or push you to make change. That is not love and that is not real friendship

I can’t encourage some of the decisions that you are making. I would not encourage you not working yourself out of your situation. That is where the self respect is, that is where you find the like of respect of self.

I wouldn’t encourage the constant subliminals and digs. I think that it is immature and unprofessional. You either accept what it is and move on or don’t do it.

What you do you say if I said that you are again breaking my heart?

You say you don’t need a girlfriend and I agree, you do need a partner, someone to go through this with you, all the way to the end, you are not currently strong enough to solo walk this path. There is no shame in that. What you are going through is extremely hard!

You need someone to Love you and believe in you, your ego seems to always need validation, but you are not seeking out the right source.

You need someone to kiss you, not on the mouth, but all over your body, to kiss every part that you are insecure about.

You need to be Loved.

It may have come across as to intense or too much, but honesty it was only ever love!

I just tried to love you.

It seems that I am not right for you. That I am not who you need or want.

I am sorry that me wasn’t enough.

You sat opposite me and allowed me to shed tears for you, for your pain!

You sat opposite me and looked into my full eyes and told me that you had no intention of hurting me!

I knew that your intentions were irrelevant because you seem unable to do anything other than break my heart!

Look where we are!

I poured out my soul and regurgitated my heart in that voice note

To date you have not made one remark

You have dealt with it as you do me, you have treated it with complete disregard!

You have used so many words, you have thrown around so many words, you could not have meant any of them 

Look at where we are!

Look at what you have done!

Despite you knowing more about me and my fragile heart!

I told you that I wouldn’t recover!

Look at what you have done!

I can’t do this again

I can’t do this again

Fragile, broken, shattered, those words don’t even come close to the state of this heart!

It is so tainted!

It feels so horrid!

I would like to punch through my own chest and pull it out!

You could have at least said goodbye!

You could have called back!

You said that I was important to you!

I would like you to see what you have done!

I would like you to see what you have done to me!

I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you that I couldn’t cope with all the other stuff!

I’m sorry that you couldn’t tell me that you were leaving me!

I’m sorry that I have had to do this break up (that’s what it feels like) this separation without you!

I’m sorry that I have to leave you!

I honestly don’t want to!

But it seems that that is what you want and I have to respect that.

My heart is shattered – not broken shattered

Trust me when I say that I don’t want to leave you!

I honestly can love you anymore than I do!

I can’t love you enough either though!

Me+ you equating to 1 is never going to be enough for you!

You are always going so want and seek out 2!

I am singular, I am a 1

There has to be a minus!

There has to be a subtraction!

You won’t choose!

So this is where we are! Leaving!

I have to finite this sum!

For you, but more for me!

I have to minus me from this sum!

Like the song I don’t really want to stay, I don’t really want to go

Unlike the song there seems to be no confusion as to whether we can get it together!

If I knew that that day 28 March would be the last time that I would see you, I would have hugged you properly!

If I knew that that would be the last time that I would feel you close to me I would have hugged you tighter! And I would not have let go!

If I knew that that would be the last time that our faces would touch I would have kissed your mouth and I would have kissed it more than once. I would have touched your face with my hands. I would have stroked your checks with my fingers! I would have kissed your eyes with mine!

If I knew then, on that day that you would not speak to me again I would not have let you leave!

Not hearing your voice is the worst part of all of this.

Not hearing your voice is what I mostly miss!

You wouldn’t know this but I would often put my face to the phone, I would tilt my head to the side with the phone against my cheek and listen to you speak!

It would feel like you were closer to me!

I could imagine your faces against mine!

You felt close!

You wouldn’t know how much I loved it when you would send me messages that I would see first thing in the morning. Just to say good morning!

Or that I Ioved sending you messages knowing that you would be asleep so that the 1st thing you would feel when you woke up was love from me!

So simple, those moments and your random good morning calls meant everything to me!

You mean everything to me!

You have just cut me off!

You have done it again!

It hurts different this time!

It hurts so much more this time!

Now I am empty!

I am numb!
© KLove 2017

All Rights Reserved

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