Doctors Orders

I didn’t realise that I was so lacking of it.

I didn’t realise that I was Missing it

So much

It has been so long.

It is now normal 

Void is normal

Being/feeling\existing/ ..invisible is normal.

Being/feeling\existing/..disconnected is normal.

Not being seen is normal.

Covering up is normal.

Hiding

Behind rejection & scared of it repeating

Has become the norm

So that 

numb

passive

acquiescence 

Is now also normal 

When I felt the skin

Although it wasn’t mine to keep

And although it didn’t want to keep me 

And I didn’t want to keep it

When I felt the skin

& the muscle

& it leaned into me

In a way that neither 

numb 

nor

passive 

could interrupt nor deny 

And although 

Still 

invisble

And 

unseen 

And 

un-wanted

I found that I liked the feeling

of the skin

& the muscle

I am finding it hard to not remember it.

I remembered the feeling 

I found that I wanted to feel more

Skin

& Muscle

Not from this wearer of it

But I wanted more

I didn’t realise that I was in need

of the connection

of the touch

of the scent

of the feel

 I didn’t realise that I had been feeling deprived & unprotected & oddly exposed in the absence of it.

I didn’t realise that I was so disconnected until  I interacted with the feeling of it

until I allowed myself to look and to feel

And

to acknowledge how well A wearer of it looks against me.

It has been so long 

that

I

Convinced my memory that it had forgotten it.

I didn’t realise that I 

Was so lacking of it

And

Now

want to feel more 

to feel it again

numb

&

void

&

acquiescence 

are not trying hard enough to fight the feeling.

Now

would be the time for memories of rejection & scared of it

to 

Interject

because

whilst

Invisble

&

Unseen

& maybe

Lonely 

with

Lonely

There is no pain

No noise

With Lonely comes 

Grey

Which is neutral

Awkward Peace

But

most importantly 

with 

Lonely

comes

Acceptance 

There is no

Hurt

So

whilst 

I

miss the Feeling

I

am Aware

that it is better left dead!

© KLove 2015

All Rights Reserved

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