This has been in my mind on repeat for a few weeks now.
I have tried to avoid it. To shut It down. It has/ it shouldn’t have any real relevance. So why is it on repeat?
Amongst all of this new/ the latest confusion, there is little and definitely not enough headspace for this.
So I write it out!
I haven’t met him, he (small h’s because I don’t really know who he is) has just been spoken to me.
He has been questioning and caring and interested in me and what makes my tick & tock= me, from a distance! (Apparently)
But I haven’t met him.
So technically, and even though he has a name and a face that I have seen in a picture ( a face that I now don’t recall, I just remember dark and beautiful black skin)
Technically, he still isn’t real.
Yet, I have this feeling that he could be the soda crystal to this word/emotions/tears/deep feeling/connection, blockage that I have been experiencing. And I don’t even mean romantically.
From his words and and questions and the way in which he has been spoken to me, I have this feeling that if we meet, out history as best friends will begin immediately. We will become new old best friends straight away.
(And I know that this is stupid and girly, but it is also K + 2 K (so me), and Love and Pisces, )
What if he is/could actually be He? And none of us, not even he, knows it?
I haven’t met him, and he has never met me, (well, physically at least-probably other worldly though) yet through him being spoken to me and him reading and following (hopefully not on here and reading this) and being just who he has been presented to me be, we have connected I think, and so as much as i have played it down, I have been quietly quite excited to meet his physical self. And it gets worse….. Because something inside the soppy and completely irrational version of K+2 K (so me) is still this belief in the Fairy Tale and the Happy Ever After and that every story has a happy ending, and thus part of me is secretly wishing that him being He is a possibility! ( this is the nonsense that I have to endure being me! On paper it looks more stupid than it feels)
I could never acknowledge or admit that already he has occupied space and and time and feels like a familiar friend, a possible person to me.
DEPSITE all that he knows and has read, he still has a care for , a like, an interest in me that from what has been spoken, comes without agenda or judgement.
This is not a story, there is no Fairy Tale and happy endings just don’t happen for shattered but not broken ones like me!
It all just sounds to easy!
Easy+K has never equalled my reality!
Initially, I was so not interested.
I honestly paid little attention to the words being spoken of him, I glanced at the picture, paid no real attention to it.
In words of or reference to or about him I was not interested. I was not interested in any interruption to my singular, or in any attempt to separate my lonely from me.
What was being said became more interesting and I wanted to hear it . ( probably my lonely trying to escape me)
He has apparently continued to ask questions and to check as to how i am doing/ feeling.
He has never met or even spoken to me. Family and friends haven’t shown as much concern as he is. Why?
Can he care and not just about me, but this path that I am journeying?
Can he speak of a beauty in me, of a beauty that he sees in me- person and visually?
Isn’t he afraid/deterred bybthe contradiction, fragility, the Love in me?
Doesn’t he think as the rejectors did?
Am I not “too much” or “not enough” to want to deal with?
I am used to these descriptors, these labels, this opinion, this assessment from his species, so that now, me and rejection have a formal understanding!
What do I do if he and his words and his concern and his care and his opinions and his we’ll just his being is real?and what if he is or has the potential or worse secretly wants to be He?
I can’t even allow myself to think about it.
I suppose I/ we will never know because it has just now, just in this minute, just as this pen wrote the last word, it has just dawned on me that as much as it would be lovely, shit just doesn’t go down like that for me. (Two books later the evidence is corroborative)that with male and me things don’t tend to work out Fine and Dandy!
As there is little if this heart left to re-bandage, to re – piece
It is best to stop this vicarious speaking and get back to my 99 problems from which it has been distracting me.
It was nice to have this pause, this minute reprieve.
I am grateful for the vicarious friendship.
Although we never met, I will miss everything about it!
© KLove 2015
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