Caught slippin

So

Today 

I have not been able to stop thinking about Him!

Yes, Him!

Kylee is annoyed with me

It has been such a long time since I have had enough thoughts to document Him

Admittedly I am more than  vastly stressed out

I wish he (Him) were here to talk to 

He (Him) was many things, many good and many not so good things, but I can say that for the most part, he (Him) was a listener to me.

He (Him) just got it, got me, (in his own way) he (Him) would have got this particular thing

He (Him) would have listened, understood, because he (Him) liked drama and came from a similar madness as me

We, were so different, so very different, but we shared so many similarities. He (Him) even liked the music. He understood the unity in it.

If he (Him) were still around, I wouldn’t see this void that the so called’s create. The side moves wouldn’t knudge me.

With Him, when it was complex and complicated, it was so easy.

I don’t think that I will find another like Him, he (Him) will be impossible to replace, he ( Him) is non carbonated. 

In reality, this is I know is a good thing, I don’t need a Him duplicate, but, today, today I just wish that he (Him) were here 

Today, I am not doing so well, I am not even coping, or doing, I am just here and it all feels a lot again!

I want to pause and delete

Can I pause and delete?

I would like nothing more than to be able to reach out to Him and just say ” Hi, no drama, just friends, I need you, please come, quickly!”

That is not reality though is it.  Aside from the fact that he (Him) most likely would not answer my call, because the in reality, he (Him) is an issue and is not totally the memory that I have created if (Him) aside from this, if I were to see (Him) today, on this day and given how I am feeling, I know that the old feelings would overthrow my I’m over it, so that I would fall over Him and me immediately and if not before, right back into 2011

I haven’t seen Him for so long, but despite this current uncertainty, I am certain, that I would feel the same about Him, should he (Him) be within seeing or touching reach

After all, his name is not Justin, his sexy never left, the picture  that I saw confirms this. Infact if anything, it appears to have matured ever so nicely, his features are looking comfortable and meant and happier and better on Him

I actually never imagined that I would be sitting here writing about Him again.  I have boasted in fact about how I had successfully processed and written Him out. I have thanked him for giving me words in my dreams, I had even planned my thank you speech should twain decide that someday we (He and I) should again meet

Maybe he (Him) is now also one of my default, stress- mind- set’s, maybe he (Him) has now become one of my stress negative thoughts, patterns, beliefs.

Whatever the reason, I find myself happy to be thinking of Him, because If for nothing else, when I am doing so, I am blocking out all of the things that have caused Him to be in my mind today, that have bought him back in this way.

I am not thinking about her, and that house, and that lifestyle and the gossip, and what I have heard is being said, I am not focused on the passive but bubbling anger that is now taking over my body and is showing up as sciatica that is so painful that I am in this house alone crying real tears,  I am not thinking about the comments and that I don’t know how to protect the one left and who is in the thick of it, I am not thinking about memorials and headstones and run away’s so how on my own I am going to get through all of this, I am not thinking about still being alone and bills and failure, and next steps and not really having any faith in My ability to do this, it, or anything ever again, I am not even thinking about that fact that again, today, I am back in that place of no longer wanting to pull myself up an out of this again.

NO

Instead, I am just thinking about Him, and over all of the above, I am happy that it is he (Him) that is running around my head.

Although

just today, only today can I allow this

Because, despite how thoughts of Him are numbing much of this pain that I am feeling

I know where thoughts of Him can lead

I know that this version of Him isn’t entirely real

I know that he (Him) is not a safe place 
© KLove 2015

All Rights Reserved

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