I’m in this state of confusion
Between the old (and I mean very old, so old that I can’t believe that this is coming from my pen)
There is one particular friend who I couldn’t admit these confused feelings to. She has always maintained that I have held feelings, that I have been lying to him, her and myself too. She will revel in telling me that she told me so, and in “so what are we going to do about it” cause historically it has always, should have always been, the two of you.
It’s madness. That was history, the feelings historical. I honestly don’t see him like that.
But the looks he gave, the thoughts and the feelings provoked, the argument that it caused between my mind and heart, has me throughly confused.
As well as the uncomfortable silence that spoke so many things. It spoke volumes, tomes, in those few seconds.
So that in that moment (and just in that moment- she says whilst sitting here writing this) it felt as though we were in that familiar / dangerous territory.
So I removed myself! Quickly.
Then in floats the new.
And again, I’m confused.
In my mind for him I felt nothing, although if I am truly honest, I know that that’s nonsense because from the moment that I connected to him, he has had this eery hold over me.
Why does he always have to lean in for a hug?
Why can he not just say hello from a distance, with a wave, no smile, in his own space, whilst I occupy mine, without touching me.
As he leaned in, and I could smell him, my body (as it always does) felt him.
I held onto the back of his neck and I got this intense rush of energy. This powerful electric shock rushed through me.
This is why I don’t drink!
It must have been the bubbles!
(As I am writing this, even to myself it sounds like madness, wasn’t I just talking about another him. What kind of foolishness is this really.
I know that I am emotional and sensitive, and that I pick up, collect and store others energy but this is nonsensical. However emotions are not usually rational or logical, so I am just going to keep writing until I release this.)
My senses were sharp and all pointy and edgy, so maybe, on that night, it was just how it was, it was just me, just in a moment, just confused.
Maybe the universe was playing Tom Fool.
Whenever he was in my proximity, these very inappropriate images flashed before me and so the feelings went to a place of Amorous!
He looks, and smiles, and I look back and smile, but in my mind and in just those few seconds I was thinking that our physical experience would be sooooooooo deep!
That he would give me fire raging orgasms, electric soul recharging, sweat dripping all over the both of us intensity when he is inside of me. Clothes ripped off, legs hastily separated intensity!
All of these thoughts flowing through my eyes, yet all he could see was my smile. Luckily.
And then he looks again, and smiles, and I look again, and smile, and despite the just seconds before Amorous feelings, in that moment, I just want him to dance with me.
He has so much music and it plays beautifully to me.
It draws me in.
It makes me want to feel his heartbeat against my chest, whilst it (his music) seeps out of him and into me.
He is a little broken. I see it. But being me, I can’t help being drawn to him, to wanting to help heal him.
So I want to dance with him, against him. I know that my touch can mend him. Touching him in this way, will be in a way that he can understand, it will be rhythmically.
I want to press my forehead against his, so that we are so close that we are together forward thinking, so that we are together breathing, before I kiss his lips and his breath fills and surrenders to me.
I want to!
And whilst we are still dancing. I want to remove his clothes and mine, so that the only thing in between this act of healing is our Beautiful Black on Black skin!
All of these thoughts, behind a look, and a smile, on top and underneath confusion, yet just behind a momentary historical feeling!
It is hard work being me!
© KLove 2014