I don’t want to cry on these pages anymore.
But if not here, where?
I am after all only human, and I am open about me,so it will never be happy smiley all of the time.
I don’t really want to cry on these pages anymore, and whilst I am conscious of the many eyes that now hear me, and the judgement that may be passed on my before now silent and private cries, these are MY pages, and they are MY sanctuary, this is MY therapy, so I will Write this what I am feeling Out. So as to engage with it. I will not hold it inside. In doing so, I will ignore loneliness sitting back, watching and and waiting on what it believe will be my slowly but surely demise!
Despite saying this numerous times, I find myself still so very tired.
It feels as though my heart may have given up fighting my mind because it is no longer beating a sound that has always and despite me invited me to push on, to push past it, to fight.
Again, it seems so very heavy and urgent right now and I am so very tired. Even my tears are no longer on time.
I feel truly WoManLEss, and whilst I have been and I know how to guide, encourage and empower others to keep keeping on, at this moment, I feel devoid of the ability to help Me!
Because I’m me, I know where to turn, what to do, how to rectify/pacify this continuous longing and yearning that resides inside of and in doing so is eroding me. My heart feels as though it has eroded to a Full Stop.
My head feels so very heavy, and by mind is staging a protest against holding its weight.
This void, this absent, un- reciprocated Love, this need for touch, for connection, for conversation, for physical and mental stimulation, for a HUG, is very constant and so very Vast!
I feel very confused, yet sure of the reason behind and in front of the confusion. Which makes no sense, yet all sense at the same time.
I didn’t want to admit that the last rejection, (this is what it was in my eyes) had affected me, but it did. And so now, historical, and temporarily defeated enemies have resurfaced from their temporary hiatus, their not requested slumber, and they stand barefaced, and confrontational at me. All the while loneliness sits in its corner, smirking at me.
I didn’t even know him really. Didn’t have the time to attach to him, to form any real opinion, or like really, yet his rejection has slightly put me back and with that, has brought back some of the Grey.
If only humans were more conscious of how others may be affected by the ways in which they behave/ communicate.
And….. Another thing……
I knew that once I concentrated on and worked harder on banishing My Him, the real Him, I would have fewer words to write. I have proved myself to be right, although I still have some thoughts of Him, and I am still somewhat attached to Him, unfortunately, it feels like the Universe does not want me to release myself from Him fully.
It seems that the fact that I turned my head, just that one time, just that one time, it was what was required to significantly loosen His restraint, to slightly sever the bond between my heart and his which will be mine until the end of time. I was somewhat addicted to thoughts of him, I must have been, because I now know that I miss them and the pictures of Him that lived for such a long time in the backs of my eyes. They have been replaced with rejection, which all thanks to the maybe not so Golden one, has doubled in size.
My mind is moving so fast as I try to capture it whilst I write.
© KLove 2014