I have so much inside of me at the moment.
I keep wanting to write it down, write it out, but I am paralysed into non action.
I look at the pen and the paper and then I turn away. As though they are the things causing the blockage.
I know that they are not.
I know that I am scared that they will reveal the truth that I am trying to avoid.
It is not like me to fear the words.
I normally welcome them.
I usually need them.
I usually beseech them.
But in this moment, I feel lost for them and I do not know where to start.
I can not fathom how to articulate this new (but known/historic/ it has been a long time ) madness.
I can not contain the vastness and I do not know how or whether my pen will be able to match the velocity at which these thoughts are running through me.
I am sure that it will not read as sense.
I do not how or whether my pen will be able to withstand the pain or my paper the tears that I know will flow once I begin to release, but mainly and most importantly, I am scared to commit this energy to paper because once I do it becomes real.
I do not know where to start!
I have been sitting here and thinking to myself “am I really that bad”?
Am I really so much and so different and so quirky that people find me difficult to be around, difficult to understand, to, like, to get to know, to Love?
I am aware that I am rare. I am aware that I am unique, I am aware that I think and feel and process and attach and identify differently to most.
I am aware that people who do not know my soul or do not take the time to learn or to familiarise with it and my heart may find me difficult to read or to comprehend but…… Is this my issue? Or is it theirs?
I am aware that my ability to speak of and from my heart, to speak my heart and to speak my love and confusion and pain may be unfamiliar or not the norm to many but this is what makes me me, this is why I am me, this is why I am unique.
If a person is unable to deal, or to understand, or to comprehend, or to accept, is unable to be void of judgement, is this not a problem within them?, is this not their internal issue as opposed to a problem with me?
I feel very confused
I feel very hurt
I feel wounded
I feel constantly judged
I feel as though I am an imperfect thing that others continually seek to perfect and these feelings are unwanted and starting to piss me off!
Because they are causing conflicting views about me, by me.
Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe it is meant that it is just me, maybe I and the one friend who I truly believe understands and gets and has no desire to change me, can be around me? Oh and loneliness-she will never leave me! Maybe It is meant to be this way, because if people want to change me, they could never have been Pro me.
Maybe the reason that I loved and still love Him is because despite his numerous faults and questionable treatment of me at times, from the very beginning he saw and noted me, but never judged. Infact He was open about the fact that my “K-ness/K-ways/K-thoughts as he called them, was what He liked most about me. He never judged, my oddness was what he liked about me.
He never sought to change or to adapt or to improve me, He just let me be. Around him was always (well for the most part) me.
Although He never loved me in the way that I loved him, He never questioned the way that I loved, my openness , my ability to speak it, it never scared him, He would just accept it as part of me being me.
He was far from perfect, I have not forgotten that He was so much pain, but in this particular moment and as I remember and romanticise particular moments, I am grateful for him and his covert love and acceptance.
There had been no one since who had been able to penetrate his bubble.
There had been no one since who has given my heart cause to flutter.
There had been no one since who had given me cause to manifest a second thought.
There had been no one since who gave me cause to question my new/old relationship with loneliness.
If I am honest with myself, that is how I wanted it to be.
I am used to the safety and the familiarity of it.
This way I do not have to collide with judgement.
This way I do not have to manage rejection.
I can merely exist in the shadows. Of him and others and of what I want so much but what I know could never and may with another never be.
This way I can peacefully and mindfully with no distraction (other the from me) do the with that I need to do to rebuild and to improve me and my thoughts and my strength so that I am better placed to be the higher me. To tap into my power and my worthy.
Because eventually, organically, universally, I have to be accepted for me! Buy someone or people who will know that I am far from too much, and who will embrace the me that I am and like the sun that shines, they could never have enough.
Yet here I find myself in this mind game of “is it them or is it me”.
Somehow I let my guard slip and I allowed insincere words of one, and too many words of others to trick me into feeling things that I had long since sent to Coventry.
The insincere words were clearly fake and not all thought out, clearly not meant, yet those words were more power than their speaker could have seen or comprehended. And not just words, but actions and energies and false promises, which have led or distrust, dislike and confusion, because my sincerity, honesty, truth, trust and words have been used against me.
Words that I was dishonestly, I say, led to believe would be safe and properly received.
Because my sincerity and truth and my honesty and my words have been used to judge me. So now I am questioning everybody.
Now I am (and I haven’t for so long) doubting everybody and their words and their “constructive criticism”, because now I feel like they all want me to be somebody other than me!
I need to release.
In this moment I fully understand, fully appreciate mad am grateful for my ability to write as a means of release, to write as my own kind of therapy.
As I writer and I release and the words take form on this paper I am able to make some sense out of nonsense and I am able to see in and around theses thoughts and feelings more clearly.
I am able to write the words:
“This is Me”
“I am not changing”
“I will continue to feel and to speak and to Love in a way that is unique to me”
I am aware that I am different to most, that I Love differently to most, and in this moment I say that my difference makes me rare and I will not change these elements of me for anything.
I am aware that I think and feel differently, however this is not a negative reactions to it speaks more of them than me.
© KLove 2014