I could not explain why my smile was moving on a frolic of its own.
I had given it no instructions to beam.
Yet whenever I caught his eye, it did it’s own thing.
He finally plucked up the courage to speak to me.
Before then, he would just smile, or stand and stare and then smile.
I would always be thinking to myself that I did not know why I was smiling back.
He said. ” you have a beautiful smile”
As soon as he spoke those words it (the smile) disappeared.
It had at last followed my instructions!
I did not want my smile to sing to him!
I did not want him to hear that I shouldn’t have been smiling at him because my smiles for so long have belonged to and have been dictated by my love story.
I didn’t want him to hear that my love story ended unhappily and when it did I made a pact with myself to never smile at another, to never allow my smile to be free.
I didn’t want him to hear what I now believe, that in the end, and even where it starts like this, with my smile and his, in the end, he would eventually leave me with another unhappy ending, and negative thoughts and feelings and emotions about me.
But mainly I didn’t want him to hear what is now my music, because the words to my song are that beautiful is not a word that I believe describes me.
So I stood there. No smile. Now looking vacant, and down, so that our eyes would not meet.
He said ” you are very pretty, even more so when you flash that beautiful smile”
I looked down again, immediately.
I didn’t want our eyes to meet.
I didn’t want him to read my disbelief.
When I finally looked up it was clear that my smile was now MIA.
I said “thank you” as I quickly walked away.
© KLove 2014