I found some old papers and I came across something that I had written some time ago.
The papers were crumpled, turning colour and crisp. The writing was undated but when I read through it, I had mentioned my age of 28, so this was written some them ago! Lol
My initial thought was ” wow! I don’t even remember writing this- I don’t remember thinking or feeling like this back then!…..omg, is that because those thoughts/ feelings are just standardly me”.
My second thought was ” I don’t remember writing this, but I could write the exact same words today and the sentiment, the feeling and the circumstance would be just the same”. I’m not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing.
Which is why I have named it Cat Lady. (Even though I don’t like pets and will never have any) . It’s seemed metaphorically fitting.
What I found:
Sitting on my own again, still in this world of singledom.(Although, sometimes, I look around means at some of the couples and I think….I’m better of like this).
I hear my Nan’s words over and over:
” dont fret uself, there is a hangle fi hevry broom, u jus dont fine Fi u hangle yet! (There is a handle for every broom, you just haven’t found your handle yet) (she has so many crazy sayings!)
I have been doing a lot of sweeping………and still here I sit.
I wonder to myself, why is it, or what is it about me, that keeps me here, on my own?
Cause it must be me……right?
I suppose I am not what is deemed to be a males typical fantasy! (Culturally)
I’m quiet, serious, into the theatre, the opera, and I love to read.
I want to get married, to be “the woman”,to cook and clean, to make a house a home, I want to make a family.
I’m not a size 14-16, with big breasts and a bottom you just want to squeeze (well not immediately ) ( and before her! I had did have these! but they always felt wrong/ uncomfortable on me)
I’m not how would they say…….”buff” (what the hell does that even mean?) by any means, or any such visual image.
Is this why I am here with just me for company?, overlooked, rejected, unwanted.
Despite being a strong minded black woman, 28, professional, intelligent, with morals and values, a decent human being?
Is my visual image more important than these things?
Now, I have some issues, we have talked about this, and I am not always with myself best pleased, but as I sit here and I write this, I can’t help but think…….I have some amazing qualities!
I have a good head on my shoulders and a determination to succeed despite my sometimes self sabotage and my history.
28 and I own property.
In me, there is a beauty that requires deeper inspection to be seen.
I don’t want to be that “chick” with the arse that screams ” ride me please”.
I don’t want to be that sexed up vision that a man sees and that blinds him from the essence of me… From the real me.
If we are honest, that is what happens isn’t it.
He sees that arse spilling over the jeans, the cleavage trying its best to break free from the clothing that was never intended to contain it!, and those thick thighs that shout part….me.
Now his mind is on one track only. Nothing else can or will he see.
Not interested in who she is, what she knows, how she feels! His single thought is gaining access/entry…..to that which looks so sweet and and tasty!
A relationship cannot be based on this!
Like these visuals, it can not stand the test of time!
There has to be knowing, liking, loving, respecting she……..me!
More to me than breast and thighs. Look into my eyes. Tell me what you see. Enter into a dialogue, a discourse with me………
For my small breasts, and small frame, I make no apology…if you knew where I have been, what I have been through, I am lucky to have made it out with these!
What is more important is what is inside of me…..
My inner beauty
My inner peace
My inner glow
My inner me!
What is most important is that I can strut my stuff proudly.
Knowing that I did not lay on my back to get anything, that I don’t feel as though lying on my back is the definition of me, or that it will define me!
So I will take solace in my Nan’s words!
And I will continue to sweep.
Clearly, this writing thing was meant to be!
KLove has always been inside of me.
© KLove 2014