Talawa!

I am most usually a very quite person
I am most usually afraid of my own shadow
I am most usually scared to speak……of what is really going on with me!
I am most usually the timid version of me.

But then I wrote a book
And then I started a blog

And then I became most usually free
I am now most usually who I really am
I am most usually free!

Every word written
Every syllable
Every letter
Every sentence
Most usually strengthens me!

Yet today I am questioning me
I am questioning my form of therapy!
Today I am questioning my truth and beliefs!

Today I am questioning whether stepping out from behind my pen and paper was the right thing!

And not because in me or in it I have lost belief.
But because of reactions to it.
Because culturally I have been indoctrinated to believe that feelings should be kept deep within. On them I am not meant to speak.

I started all of this anonymously!
To avoid exactly all of this crazy.

Nothing said is a lie
Nothing felt has been or is make belief!
Everything said and everything felt is real, is my truth, is my way of dealing, is my way of dispelling the demons that live within me!

They will never get it.
They do not want to get it.
As usual they are more concerned with others perceptions of their behaviour or lack thereof, than me!

Most annoyingly, on these people I have used hardly any of my ink!
One page in a book, one paragraph in a poem,
Yet they feel entitled to numerous words about their hurt feelings!
They have the temerity to judge me.

They have not even engaged with what was written in its entireity.
They have still failed to understand me!

Why would they attempt to turn my words against me!

Why would they not think to stop and question, be appalled even, at what I recount as my experiences!

Why would they attempt to demonise me!

How could they not now acknowledge their role in this torrid history!

How could they so blatantly miss the bigger picture!
How can they be so woe betide me!
How can they not recognise that what I have written is so little of them!
How can they not appreciate how hard it has been for me to reveal so much of me!

The truth hurts I suppose.
Although it was never and has never been my intention to hurt anybody!

It was my intention to help and encourage anyone who has ever felt invisible, or disappearing, to heal
It was my intention to help and encourage anyone who has ever been unloved, abused, broken, to know that they can heal.
It was my intention to help and encourage every me to tap into their power, because there is so much of it inside of them!
It was my intention to promote Love as the ultimate energy!

I am most usually a very quite person
I am most usually afraid of my own shadow
I am most usually scared to speak……of what is really going on with me!
I am most usually the timid version of me.

Today
I say no more.

Today I say,
Please do not test me!

Today I say,
Please do not give me reason to call on the other me! Because for her, you will NEVER be ready!
She is a force that can not be reckoned with!

Today I say,
YES,
I wrote a book!
It is about me and my Love and Pain,
It is the bravest thing that I have done to date.

Today, I say
Fuck you!
I do not need your applause because I APPLAUD MY BRAVERY.

Today I say,
If you do not like my words,
Do not read!
Do not speak on them or about me!

Today,
more than ever
I OWN what I have always known to be true!

I am of Love, Light and Evolving Beauty!

And I will continue to write, because this is my purpose, my path, my truth, my therapy!
Because with these words I will continue to heal me, and others who have not yet found their way of navigating their pain!

Today I say,

Timid and afraid will no longer most usually be me!

© KLove 2013

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