Bitch

Female intuition is a bitch.
Or is it K intuition?
K intuition is a bitch.
Or is it premonition?
Premonition is a bitch.
Or is it connection?
Connection is a bitch.
Or is it this damned thing called Love?- no it can’t be?
Or is it?
Can this damned thing called Love, this thing that drives me, this thing that makes him him, and me me, and us, my dream of we…
Really be a bitch?

Maybe?

No….

It’s the Fat Lady.
She is definitely a bitch.

Her and that singing.
I don’t like her song!

Bitch.

She has been singing at me for a while now- louder since I published, since I had to remember and to look at, and revisit, and answer questions and be honest, about Him.

I had just been using Anita, and Natalie, and Jill, and Erykah, and John, and writing and thoughts, and memories of happy moments, and imagination, to sound her out. No head phones needed.

Bitch just got louder, until I could ignore her no more, until the thoughts and the dreams were so constant and so lucid and so friggin VERY, that I had no choice but to listen!

Bitch.

Until I dialled the forbidden, erased but committed to memory number.

Bitch!

Intuition, premonition, connection, damned thing called Love (maybe), and you Fat Lady!

Are all (and I know I shouldn’t curse, but f…k it) a Bitch!

Because now I have called, and now I cannot unhear, and I cannot unfeel, and most disturbingly, now, I overstand the dream.
And even though I probably, (no probably about it, in all honesty) knew it was a sign, what it meant….now I am forced to accept that message, the story, is real! The words came straight from his beautiful lips!

And just like in the dream, I was brought to my knees, and I (silently though) screamed, and cried thick black tears, rooted to the one spot, trying desperately to awaken.

Except I was awake, he was real and really on the end of the phone, speaking in that mellifluous, my Love story voice. For the 1st time in so long, he was real.

I know I shouldn’t have called, I know that I didn’t need to call, because I knew it, I could feel it, I had been connected to it…… I saw it.
Apparently so did the bitch.

Living with ‘her’, just for a while, it’s circumstance, you know this isn’t me….that’s what he said!

Living with ‘her’, this is Love, she is my Love, it was never you, because you were never good enough….that’s what I heard!

Living with ‘her’, just for a while, it’s circumstance, you know this isn’t me….that’s what he said!
And so dismissively. As though the words were less than nothing, with no regard for the destructiveness of this diction, or of the power, of the magnitude.

Not considering that those few words would unsteady my ground
Not considering that although we haven’t been we for such a long time, my Love is still alive, still burning brightly and is still rampant, and stored up, and reserved for him…. In me
Not considering that those few words, regardless of time (because my Love doesn’t know it) would cripple me
Not considering that I would spend the next however many days, weeks, months, wondering why, and how she was was for him better than me.
Not considering that I would ponder why I never seem to be good enough period!

Not knowing that these few words tore my heart apart
Not knowing that in the shape of tears, and thoughts, and time, and breath, and light, and days and music, new enemies are f…kin with me! Not even Souljah’s words can reach, heal or save me?
Not knowing that there are ‘levels to this s….t’
Not knowing that those few words would put out every internal light
Not knowing that those few words would erase my images and so vitiate my reason to smile
Not knowing that without him to remember I have nearly no Love to write
Not knowing that to me those few words would be so much hurt and so unbearable that simply breathing would hurt
Not knowing that those few words would create every thought, action, non movement, non participation, non desire to participate.
Not knowing that with just those few words, I would again be tarnished, empty and alone.
Not knowing that I wanted to yell “BUT I STILL LOVE YOU…. Please Love back to me”.
but I couldn’t because pride (another bitch) tapped me on my shoulder, looked deep into my black tear stained eyes and knowingly and accusingly shook her heard from side to side, forcing me to do what was deemed right, forcing me to say none of what I was truly feeling, but to instead congratulate and to reassure that the two of you would be just fine!

Bitch!

Bitch!

Bitch!

I cannot un-hear the ‘babe’ and the ‘hun’ words said to her in the background.

So I will just sit hear, in this pool of black tears,
And listen to the Fat lady whilst she sings her song.

Singing and singing and singing, (albeit sweetly)…

‘K, it’s over,
K it’s over,
K it’s time to let go,
K, you and he were never meant to be,
K, he is not your Love story,
K, it’s over,
There is now a she’

Bitch!

She didn’t even sound melancholy.

© KLove 2013

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10 thoughts on “Bitch

  1. This one and the last one hit me hard! I just found out the love of my life has a girlfriend and they’ve been together awhile but he never mentioned it. When I asked he said last I asked it was new, yet he had already taken her to Paris! And now they are going on vacation in the Caribbean – in four years we never went on vacation like that! Work was always too consuming, he was always too broke. Well, I’m glad I could support him through the tough times so now he can live the High life worth her! If I saw him look at the way he looked at more, call her pet names, kiss her or say I love you – I think I’d die!

    • I’m so sorry to hear that.
      It’s sucky isn’t it.
      You know I am so grateful for this gift that I have been blessed with.
      If I wasn’t able to write out the pain and frustration I am sure that it would just eat me alive.

      Sometimes I worry that it may seem like all doom and gloom and banging on about the same thing, but your comment and your sharing reinforces my belief that others may just need to hear what I am going through In order to makes sense of what they are going through or even just to know that they are not alone and are not any less normal for having these types of thoughts and feelings.

      Yes sometimes it sad, but it all stems from love, and only resonates because of love.

      You my beautiful one will be fine!
      You will see that you are worth so much more and that that is why he was moved out of your way (said the pot to the kettle, lol)

      Massive Love
      XxxMwaaaahhxxx

      P.s
      Thanks for reading and for the comment.

  2. Pingback: Bitch | poetic single mama

  3. Girl, that fat lady is singing an anthem: that you are righteous, you don’t need him to be the coolest K, and you’ll find your fine. You deserve divine. Hugs, Brenda

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