Why have you not answered me when I have asked you to please give me a sign that it will be ok, that I will be ok.
Because sometimes I feel so lost and every part of me wants to give up
I want to ask you Why ?
Why Me, why this, why no love in return or to pour onto when you know that I have so much love in me to give. So much Love that It oozes from every open pore. From my being.
I sometimes worry that I am not normal.
For many reasons and including for not wanting any babies. I am a women after all.
Sometimes I am honest with myself and I know that somewhere deep deep down, buried away there is a feeling, a want, a hope that maybe, despite me, the creation of a life will be something that I achieve. And I worry that I may have run out of time to make it a reality.
But then I remember my family pattern, who I am really am! and I know my initial instinct is right and its for the best because not only would it be unfair to bring life into such utter madness!, other than Him, I don’t think I have really loved anyone enough to give them my womb! More unfortunately though is the fact that no one has loved me enough to make this request of me.
And so I ask you why?
I am not whining, I am not having a pity party, I am just having some difficulty processing and feel as though I have the right to ask you these things.
Why not different parents. How could I be of two people who are so indifferent to me, who lack love, or the ability to love, who were too young at the time, and now to old and full of so much not dealt with/pretending not to be aware of stuff, to love me. Both Paralysed by their uselessness and guilt because everyone sees, and one most definitely so eaten up by their jealousy of me and of the fact that despite their best efforts to destroy me, the things that I have regardlessly achieved.
I am still asking you why. I am trying my best not to get angry.
Dear God I feel that I am at least owed an answer for so much pain and suffering
Why do they say I should fear you if you are who you say you are, when I have have been at the hand of your wrath from the beginning, when my prayers go seemedly unanswered, when you appear to ignore me.
Yesterday I saw a young girl in the gym.
I have seen her a few times, but yesterday I saw her and I wanted to hug her and I wanted to tell her that it would be alright. I looked up at the sky and in my mind I SCREAMED, WHY?
She is so thin and her hair has fallen out, yet she was on the treadmill, incline at its max, stepping so hard. Her tiny near non existence frame attempting to work out.
I looked at her and I remembered, I remembered that it wasn’t that long ago that that she was me, I remembered how hard it was for me to admit that I was Anorexic.
I looked at her and although I have known this, I realised that I will never truly be fixed, I will never be truly free from its grip.
I looked at her and as much her sight was truthfully horrific, for one split second I missed it!
I felt sick.
Despite what the thoughts were saying I defied it, despite the fact that unless it’s on my safe/comfortable list I avoid it, I went home and I ate crisps.
Because next time I see her, I will have to tell her that she is stronger than and that she can control it.
I am asking you why? Why would you allow this to happen to her, she looks so young, why would you allow this to happen to me?
Why would you give me these eyes, that when they reflect on me, would so often not like what they see?
And this is one of my biggest questions actually,
Why would you allow those two boys to have done what they did to me?
It has been so many years now, but still I cannot forget it.
I can still feel them on me!
I cannot shake the thought that I must have done something to deserve it, but at the same time I am confused and conflicted because they were my friends “supposedly”.
I still carry the shame and also the guilt for wishing that I could hurt them and tarnish/paint a stain on their existence in the way that they have done to me!
Just so you know, despite them, despite you, despite it, I continue to Love, and to give Love, that’s the only way I know to manage, not be a victim of it.
They say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so I often wonder why have these moments of feeling helpless and hopeless, as though you by passed in the queue when you were giving out the strength that Hercules received. Why do I feel as though that instead, I was given the strength fit for a tiny tiny flee.
I know that these are a lot of questions.
I have a ton more really, but not enough time or emotional energy to give to it.
On days like this these, when all of these emotions and thoughts, all of these things are together in my memory, when I am confused by the fact that I am so much Love, yet can at times be so confused conflicted by these painful emotions and unanswered questions that at times cripple me, and I feel very invisible, and unsure of me, who I am, yet sure of who I am destined to be, It honestly feels as though you have never Loved me. If you deny this,
Then I have this last question today,
How could you have you forgotten/given up on me/ left me unprotected and open to all of this trauma despite my best efforts to stay sane!
© KLove 2013