Lauren has often asked me why when it hurts so bad it feels so good?
I have never known the answer.
Maybe because the question is rhetorical.
Maybe because there is so much truth in the words. In her words.
There is no hiding from the fact that when I am feeling overwhelmed. When the slightest thing feels like the largest. When my 99 problems feel so voluminous that I could not contemplate managing another one, he comes to mind.
Sitting, cockily, mockingly, assuredly, perfectly, at the forefront.
In the midst of all the angst, he magically appears. Like that final punch that floors you for longer than the count. You can’t get up.
I don’t know whether him being there, makes things better or worse.
It already hurts, It already feels unbearable, the pressure is already 2 minutes away from popping the lid, the pain is already stained on my soul in red, the angst has already moulded its way into and now set in every possible and previously tender body part so that I am now rigid with it, I already feel so weak that breathing feels like my punishment……..so him being there, when I am hurting so bad, does feel good.
I don’t know why I searched for the picture.
There was only one left after the other me pressed delete on all of our memories of him.
I searched through the email box until I found it. The picture the friend had taken and sent to me.
And then the image was real. Really real. Not in my head real, but in front of my eyes real.
And seeing that happy time, those 2 happy people who were so close and bonded and best friends and LOVE, BUT who are now strangers and pain to me….Hurt so bad! so bad.
And Lauren just keeps on “telling” me this same question and I still don’t know the answer. If I did I would make it stop!
Because I feel it…
because right now, in this moment, as present as I have honestly been in a long time, and for many reasons and on account of many things and non things, and over thoughts, and feelings, and secrets and HIM, and people and life and LOVE and dreams and EVERYTHING… I am hurting! AND IT FEELS SO BAD! like a fist has punched through my chest and pulled out my beating heart!
The pain is the emptiness and the absent beat.
But seeing his face, FEELS SO GOOD!
And I would give anything for one more glance, for a sniff, for a touch, of him…
Fully aware that it would hurt so bad, I wouldn’t care…..
Because, it would feel SO GOOD!
© KLove 2013