I Still Love Him

He text
I have read it a thousand times now.
I have consumed it, rehearsed it, I have attached to it.

It has taken him 5 months!

To reply, to contact, to be, to manifest. Again.

I should be angry

I should have given up. On him.

He should, be a stranger to me.

I should have rebuked him.

I haven’t.

He text
have read it a thousand times now.
I have consumed it, rehearsed it, I have attached to it.

One paragraph

No punctuation

No lines, yet I read between each!

I analysed, I memorised, I conjured up a story

Now hope is alive…..again

The Love never died.

“I am who you really think I am”

He says.

That is the line,

The one that confuses. The one that repeats.

Who is that?

I don’t know, I don’t think, that’s just the problem, you are an enigma to me.

Sometimes jeckel, sometimes Hyde, always confusion!

Yet you are, Love. To me.

He text
have read it a thousand times now.
I have consumed it, rehearsed it, I have attached to it.

I had so much to say.

He has been so much hurt, so much pain,

He has been MIA for more time than I have to waste.

I should have cussed him out!

He has been SO much hurt, so much pain,

I should have cussed him out!

I didn’t.

Instead my Heart gave out!

It jumped, skipped, danced, fluttered, and then it stopped beating. I couldn’t breathe.

He text
have read it a thousand times now.
I have consumed it, rehearsed it, I have attached to it.

I replied.

I thought I would regret it, the minute I pressed send.

I didn’t.

I waited.

I hoped.

I realised that my heart had started beating again, so fast, sprinting. I couldn’t keep up, in breath. nauseous!

The other me appeared from nowhere.

Screaming

Hand on hip

Neck swirling,

” you need to cuss him out! What’s this Houdini s….t about! Do you know who I am! I am more than you will ever be worthy, of Love, Light, Black Beauty, what makes you think you can just flash back, this is not a game, it is not a show, there is no audience other than me, I find you far from funny”

She was too late.

He text
have read it a thousand times now.
I have consumed it, rehearsed it, I have attached to it.

She would never have been on time!

I know I should have given up on him by now.

My heart refuses!

It has latched on. To him. Like no other. Like an angry dog to its prey! Clenched jaw. It will not let go!

Loving him in spite of me.

Is he a Love Thief?

Or did I give it away willingly?

Is it because we never got to the good parts(or the bad), like Sunday dinners, saturday afternoons wrapped in physical displays of Love….

That I cannot let this Love go?

He just disappeared. Left with nothing to close!

I know that I need to let him go.

There are no buts!

Yet I have one.

I don’t want to!

Although I know I must.

He is stained on my heart.

Where is the Buddha in me?

I am supposed to be detached, on my own path, not obsessive in nature, mindful!

Yet No amount of OM’s can help me release. Him.

He makes me weak!

Am I failure?

For allowing him to fill my mind, my heart, my loins, for wanting him to fill me?

I jump from my own path, onto his, easily.

I feel guilty and disappointed in me.

Presently the only thing that I am detached from is the higher me!

Or is this just part of being WoME?

I would still give him another chance.

I wouldn’t think. I would leap. in.

Malice isn’t something that lives within me you see.

All though at times it pokes its tongue out at me. I hide from it, block my ears and heart so that it can not enter me.

Maybe scared of it setting me free.

He text
have read it a thousand times now.
I have consumed it, rehearsed it, I have attached to it.

I replied.

I wished him well.

I wrote words of Love. But I did it ambiguously.

I just couldn’t say any of what was so desperately wanting to spill out of me!

My heart is now at odds with me.

He text
have read it a thousand times now.
I have consumed it, rehearsed it, I have attached to it.

I still Love him.

I still Love him.

I still Love him.

I replied.

But then I pressed delete!

KLove
© KLove 2013

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “I Still Love Him

  1. My oh my…quite a story! I wish you the best in this dramatic relationship. Thank you for your visit and invite you back anytime…

    Christian

  2. I love how fierce you are but captivated at the same time. I love your image of love as a pitbull with clenched teeth. Wow. I love your voice, and how you convey your attachment, your bewilderment, your detachment. This is one of love’s faces. They are not all pretty faces, are they? Thanks also for your encouragement on my story!

  3. Your words reminded me of the soul-ties that kept pulling me back to my ex. It’s amazing how we love so deeply but can become so confused by the manipulations of others who we trust so completely. “He makes me weak!” hit me… that was the words. All the emotions were there from love to fear, but weakness kept me there.. Wow. Awesome post…

    • Thank you. It’s so very true. Love can be so beautiful but is often much confusion and pain!

      You are by no means weak! You just didn’t know that you were strong! Stronger than him in fact!

      It was that strength that set you free and it is what drives you now!

      Xxxmwaaahhxxxx

      Sent from my iPhone

      • Thank you so much for your kind, loving words that you share. I thank God that He set me free and showed me the Key to overcoming.
        I am so glad that we have connected as we together reach out in love to the hurting, wounded people out there who have yet to find the Key. May God bless you, my friend!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s