It’s definitely here again.
I gave been trying my best to ignore it and to push it down, but it keeps bobbing. Back to the surface.
Woke up this morning in tears! Floods. Rivers. Oceans. How I still have more to shed is my latest conundrum.
I’m very much over this feeling. These feelings.
They always come back. Regardless of what I do.
And when they come back. She does!
Taunting me. Looking back at me, reflecting the fat version of myself.
I know she is lying. I know she not real. But she is very loud and very vivid, whilst lucid at the same time.
I can feel thinner. But all I see and hear is bigger.
I don’t have the energy for this battle.
Not right now, not again, not anymore.
I’m so tired.
How many times do I have to slay this b…tch!
She always comes back to fuck with me! Her and her friggin darkness.
I know why this time!
This year has been a lot. Too much. Too many things, thoughts, time, too much me.
Held on to too much, allowed to much in, haven’t let enough out!
Didn’t drop people out!
Didn’t write enough out.
Not enough distractions, not enough discipline. Not enough mediation. Too much me time!
Because I have had the need to unzip and step outside of me, too many times.
Even if I had someone to talk to, I don’t think I would have.
I don’t even want to do this with myself so I won’t put it on anyone else.
They only use it against you anyway.
So I suppressed.
I smiled. When I had to.
I game faced too.
I tortoised. Curled up in the shell (the same one I so desperately want to get out of)
Now I don’t know what to do.
panicking because I know I can’t do this again.
But I said that last time and I did?
I need to shed again.
The ones that are making me think.
They are helping her.
Doesn’t matter how long, genetics, blood.
I need to she’d them.
When the shit hits the fan, they will want to ride in and save the day, save me!
I need to shed.
I need to breathe.
I need to not think. For a minute.
I need to stop crying.
I need to save myself. Again!
I can’t do this again.
But I have to.
I’m not that me anymore, so I will.
I know I can’t go back.
I can’t give up now!
But this battle gets more exhausting each time.
Its should destroying………….
Dinner guest in 2 hours.
See how she likes that.
Forced to eat and enjoy.
And I will.
And tomorrow, I will again.
Have to wipe these tears away.
Have to be ok.
Have to get out of my head.
Keep Loving me enough to block out her nonsense.
I can ride this wave.
I have ridden fiercer ones!
I am of Love, Light, Evolving Beauty!
Just another blip in the Evolution of me.
© KLove 2013